Believe

I was born Mormon and have been an active church member for 35 of the last 37 years . . . but last year I gave myself permission to embrace the questions and doubts that have long formed the center of my worship experience.   And I allowed myself to try life outside of the church.  My final path isn't decided yet, but come along as I explore the options and possibilities of faith and skepticism, of religious community and individual seeking.

The picture at right is the church I attended between the ages of 5 and 7.  It was a beautiful old building full of tacked-on additions.  It was much to hot in the summer and too cold in winter.  And I loved it.  When I was 8 years old the church caught fire and burned to the ground.  The larger LDS Church decided that it made more sense to replace this building with one of the 'cookie-cutter' chapels that can be found across the world than to make any effort to re-build the original, historic chapel.

This picture represents to me the faith of my childhood -- a faith I loved, where I felt safe and part of something bigger than myself -- and the sad shell that remains of that faith.  It is also poignant that this moment, the moment I heard that the Church was going to replace this beautiful, unique building with one so ordinary, is one of the first moments I remember when I realized that my Church and I did not agree on everything.

I now stand at a crossroad in my life where I get to decide what I will be building in the place of my burned-out faith.  Will I try to go back and resurrect my relationship, in some form, with the LDS Church?  Will I find another faith?  Or will I replace my religion with nothing at all?  Will I go to heaven at last?  Or will I, as I hope,  find a way to go "all along"?